16 March 2023: Thursday
Hello. Diary. Had a philosophy tutorial, and we were discussing white lies. Recently, being at uni has made me realize my perception and empathy for other people is extremely radical. We were talking about if it's okay to make white lies, and I felt as though the answer was obvious? No, not usually. I was surprised at how many of the guys percieved it about their girlfriends in some way. That they felt they had to lie to their girlfriends to keep them happy, that in some instances even found them ugly but felt as though they had to lie, in which.. why are you even dating them..? Are you just ignoring how that girl would feel if they were actually being lied to in some way about their looks or appearances...? Obviously, it's a natural human response to avoid confrontation that feels unnecessary, but does it not indicate a lack of ability in communication to have buried feelings or attitudes towards each other? Wouldn't that just make it worse? To feel as if white lies are a natural act of human behavior is one thing, but I feel as though acting as though there are not other more beneficial communication methods revolving around honesty in productive ways feels more ignorant if anything. If you can improve yourself and the way you act around others, why wouldn't you? I don't know. I have always had rather low empathy for a good chunk of my life, and I feel like I've spent so much of my life trying to learn empathy.
In some way, I felt these behaviors were stemming from viewing women (which was the main conversation topic, of mostly guys talking about their partners) as people who can't handle reality or have complex feelings. Just because you feel as though it would be more beneficial to lie in that situation, doesn't mean the other person does. But I'm worried I'm too extreme in my views. That in trying to make myself as empathetic as possible to the people I care about, I lose that empathy for others. I already know most people are uncomfortable with being confrontational, but is it not a necessesity for healthy relationships and healthy self? To understand the other's boundaries in a deep and meaningful way rather than taking shortcuts. Maybe it's just the probable cluster B disorder speaking though, LOL.

12 March 2023: Sunday
Listening to Twice's new album today!! I feel like my productivity is coming back, but I'm excited to go back to the library and just hole up in there... I've been thinking recently, but in comparison to last year and the year before I feel like I've become... so normal? Anyways, I've been able to drink coffee again without it fucking around with my throat so I'm happy about that. Is not being able to function without caffeine a natural part of adulthood? I question that for alot of changes occuring to me. Like... ah. I really am getting older!!! It's odd to think about. Anyways, I'd really like to cook Narnumru soon, but it's really difficult to find fresh pomegrante in my area. I thought pomegranate was a really cute fruit when I was little, and I remember my older sister showing me her pomegranate. themed MMORPG characters.

Also, I feel like no matter how hard I work in uni, it's really difficult to keep up!! Concepts are all really easy to me so far, but there's so much for such little subjects I always feel like I can never have an equal level of knowledge for each subject, and I've trying to do more research into sitting for medical school exams after I graduate. I feel bad for asking my friends for help because I know especially in Uni most people are struggling to measure how well they're doing, and I don't want to cause more trouble since I'm already a naturally stressed person, and don't want to project that onto them. I might go to the second hand bookstore and try find some novels or something philosophical? That would be nice.

10 March 2023: Friday
Hello Diary. Am still so fucking sick. Choosing to skip my tut today for my mental sanity. I'm so exhausted. I've never loved my bed more. I made a giant mango-coconut-orange juice-strawberry smoothie today. Was fucking BOMB! Hoping I get better ASAP, because I really hate feeling unproductive like this.. I watched some NewJeans vlogs with my sister this morning. I really like Minji, personally. But I didn't know the members are so young, I was really taken aback by it. I'm debating between playing Disco Elysium or reading Trigun. Also my cat is trying to fit into my clothes drawers. Oh. She got annoyed she couldnt fit and left. Ok.

Also, have recently been annoyed because I can't play any of my Steam games on my mac. because it's all Windows shit. Wine was already a pain to install, but I'm still really limited in what I can play. I couldn't figure out how to reinstall Elsword, which was annoying. I want to play limbus company, but I have to figure out how to emulate fucking steam on my mac.

8 March 2023: Wednesday.
God. God. I have so many mixed thoughts about uni. I've been trying to organize notes to prep so I'm not stressing end of term but not even my tutor knows anything about the exam content bc she hasn't been told about it yet.. EUeuue..

Weather is sunny today. Huge heatwave recently, it really fucks with my focus. Don't have any frozen fruit to smoothie it better. I'm already feeling kind of burnt out with work, but I need to keep going... I'm trying not feel like i'm projecting my stresses onto my friends so I haven't asked about study groups since its so early on in the semester but I'm so worried.
My throat has been hurting really bad as well this morning. I think it's from shifting back from the cafe-style coffee taste box from Bacha coffee back to Normal Instant coffee, which I now can't drink without feeling sick. The bacha coffee is very good though; my personal favorite from the testers that my Mom had been sent (and have been mooching off of) is the Milano morning coffee. It has this weird sweetness and lightness that makes me feel really clean. I'm insecure about my tastebuds, which is kind of an odd insecurity, since I tend to not really taste alot of things. Could it be longterm depression? The tism? Some random issue I have? Who knows. I don't.

Also am trying to focus on my assessment but trying to figure out referencing is difficult. I'm always worried I'll fuck up somewhere and I absolutely hate asking for advice. But I need to swallow my pride in order to get better at things I think..

Outside of that, I've recently been reading some of the books I purchased. I actually got a few textbooks for $2-$5AUD each!!! I'm super happy about that!!

Quantitative Aspects of Psychological Assessment: An introduction: Phillip Ley . Seems to be mostly mathematics and introduction to statistics

Dictionary of Psychology Penguin Reference : Dictionary of psychology terms!! Reminds me of a Korean twitter bot which would just post psychology terms and mental illnesses. It was kind of funny lol

Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing by Ruth Elder, Katie Evans, Debra Nizette // This was such a bargain! A textbook for like a buck lol...

Hakomi Mindfulness-Centered Centered Somatic Psychotherapy: A comprehensive Guide to Theory and Practice : Halko Weiss, Greg Johanson, Lorena Monda // This is straight up new!!! I've heard of somatic therapy, but I didn't know much about it. I'm interested to read more about Hakomi practice & psychology outside of the western view.

Beyond Fukushima Towards a Post Nuclear Society by Koichi Hasegawa // title sounded super interesting and something I feel as though I wouldn't have thought of before, so I picked it up!!

Flaubert by Madame Bovacy: Actually unsure what this book is about, it was definitely more of an impulse grab considering it was so cheap. The cover looked really cool too, haha.